What I Wished I Had Said…

My cousin Pearl & I

It was during our weekly conversation when out of the blue she said to me, “I’ve told Jesus whatever His will is just let it be.”

I knew exactly what she meant but I didn’t want to hear it, not at that time.  So my reply to her was, “We know where we’re going when we leave this earth.  We’ll be going home to be with Jesus. There’s no reason to be afraid but you don’t have to be in a hurry to say your goodbyes. 

We talked, we laughed, I prayed and told her, “I love you and I’d call again soon.”  Neither of us knew that would be our final conversation.

I wish I had taken that moment to say:

 I believe with all my heart I’m going to see you again on this earth but, if I don’t I want you to know my friend, you’ve had an impact on my life. You’ve left an impression on my heart that will never be erased.

You have given generously, loved unselfishly and defended all. You smiled through your pain while offering others comfort and support.  You lived out your faith, trusting always in God. 

You believed however he answered His way was best and you lived surrendered to his perfect will.

But I didn’t say this because wouldn’t saying it mean I had no faith? Who says goodbye when believing for a miracle?

I hate goodbyes.  If I can I avoid it, the awkwardness, the sadness, the finality of goodbye. However, whether we are in perfect health or dealing with a life threatening illness, we don’t know how far we are away from our final goodbyes with our loved ones.  Hence we should make each moment count, say the things that need saying so there are no regrets.

When I tried to explain my sometimes mixed up words to my cousin she’d always say, “You don’t have to explain, I know your heart.” So today I take comfort in knowing, although in that moment I didn’t say the words I wish I had said, she knew how I felt about her.

…Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalms 30:5 

I also rejoice in the fact that because we shared the same faith in our risen savior I’m going to see her again.

 ²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Philippians 3:20-21(NIV)

Are there any words that you want to say to someone you love? I encourage you to say it…

Heavenly Father, I pray for those today who are dealing with grief.  Wrap your loving arms around them.  Let them feel your presence and your peace.  Give them the strength to make it through this difficult time.

I write this post in memory of my cousin and friend Nurse Pearl Carey. Beloved child of God.

I also shared this post at Laced With Grace.

Trusting Him,
~Bernadine~

A Wedding Day Poem for My Mom in Heaven

It was thirteen days before my wedding.  I woke up that morning and I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  I went through most of the day in a bit of a funk and I had no idea why.  I was quite happy the day before so where had this sudden sadness come from? It wasn’t until later that day when for no reason at all tears began to flow and the words, I miss you, Mommy came out of my mouth.

It was bittersweet planning my wedding without her by my side.  I knew how excited she would have been and the thought of her not being there on my special day hurt more deeply than I could ever explain. I admit I cried it out that day, and wrote her a little poem in anticipation of my wedding day.

Dear Mommy,

Today is my wedding day, the day you always wanted to see

Your presence would have meant the world to me.

You would hug me close, with tears streaming down your face

You’d say through your tears, “My baby’s getting married today!”

You’d gather us all together for a time of prayer,

Your powerful words of blessings would bring us all to tears.

Throughout the ceremony your smile would brightly shine,

While memories of my childhood flowed through your mind.

I miss you, Mommy you were my very best friend,

I’m ever so blessed that your presence once graced my life.

Today, I’m sure a tear or two will flow, but I promise you,

There will be much laughter and dancing as we celebrate this joyous day.

I love you Mommy! Thank you for all that you’ve done

For always being my number one fan.

I hope that our heavenly father will let you peek down from above,

To get a glimpse of your baby girl and the man that she loves.

Forever your baby,

Bernadine

 P.S Some tears did flow but they weren't by me.  I think I got it out of my system before the wedding:)

Happy Heavenly Mother's Day, Mommy!

Minimizing my Library

I didn’t know it would be so difficult but it was.  This year I find myself having to do a complete purging and minimizing of my belongings.  I started with what I know would be the most difficult… my books.  I’m an avid bookworm and book collector.  One of my dreams in life, for as long as I can remember, was to have my own personal library.  I was well on my way. Then recently came the realization that I had to let go of a very large fraction of my books, we’re talking probably more than half.

This week, I forced myself to make the first cut.  Books I’ve had, some dating back to my teenage years, found themselves on the floor about to be given away but to whom?  It was with heavy heart that I sat surrounded by my books and in the midst of it all, I whispered a simple prayer… “God you have to find good homes for my books.”  I know it seems a bit silly but it gave me a measure of peace with having to part with my treasures.

My taste in reading is very eclectic and my library reflects that.  From the inspirational romances of my teens, to my Left Behind Series, my Frank Peretti books, to books on Youth’s Ministry, Sunday School, Self Help, Bible studies, Scripture based books, I have books that covers a wide genre...  I love to read and I read books according to the mood I’m in at the moment…

I asked around and found people who were happy to take some of the books off my hands.  However, I was overjoyed when my cousin, who lives next door to me stopped by.  She and her daughters love reading so she left with many of my novels.  She and her husband also has a new ministry so she also happily carried some of my books on teaching Sunday School and Youth Ministry.  I told her, she was an answer to prayer because I know that the books will continue to be used and taken care of.

As I go through the process of minimizing my library I feel my heart getting lighter even as I give away things that I have loved and held on to for many years.  Many times I hold on to things and don’t want to let go.  But I have to let go of somethings in order to get to where God wants to take me.  This year, I know that I have to minimize so I choose to do it with a good attitude and joyful heart knowing that God is at work on my behalf.

In the main time I have still have many books, some of which are pictured, waiting to go to their new homes...

A bag of novels for some teen girls...

books for friends...

Salvation Army Thrift Store

Two of my shelves after the first cut...
Where was I keeping all of those books?

In the midst of dealing with my books I got the news that one of my favorite cousins had left this world to be with Jesus.  I’m sure he had his things that he loved, family being first of all.  However in order to gain the ultimate prize he had to let it all go.  It is no longer a concern to him.  He’s not thinking about his favorite possession or anything he had in this world… absent from this body present with the Lord. R.I.P my dear cousin.

Trusting Him,
~Bernadine~

Lessons From My Mother

Dear Mommy,

 Today makes exactly seven years since I got the news that you had gone to your heavenly home. A part of me died that day and for the longest time afterward I didn’t want to live. Life just wasn’t the same without you and I wasn’t sure I could cope. But I did. I had to put the things that you instilled in me into practice. I’m thankful for the lessons that I learned as I navigated through life without you.

 1. Talk to God always

Although I know I have a relationship with God there were times when I found it easier to depend on you for answers. I called you when I was hurt, depressed or had decisions to make that I wasn’t sure which way to go. You would always pray for me, counsel me and then tell me, “Talk to God Baby. You have to know how to talk to God for yourself because Mommy isn’t always going to be with you.”

 2. Keep my eyes on God.

 I get distracted sometimes Mommy. I worry about what others think about me and expect of me. But you always told me, “Don’t worry about what people think, keep your eyes on God. Do what he tells you to do.” It’s sinking in Mommy. I worry less and less about what others think the older I get.

 3. I am precious to God.

 From my earliest memory you always made me feel special and loved. Sometimes out of the blue you’d look at me and say, “You’re a pretty girl. I love you.” Then you’d tell me, :”God loves you. You are precious to him.”No matter how difficult life gets, even on the days when for whatever reason I’m not talking to God like I should, I know within my heart I’m precious to him.

 4. God keeps his promises.

 I haven’t changed much since you went to heaven Mommy. I’m still the same impatient person you knew me to be. I get tired waiting. I sometimes complain and often have doubts when I don’t see things happening like I want them to. However, deep down inside I know God keeps his promises. Even in my moments of doubts, I hold fast to that because I saw you live it out before me. You never seemed to doubt God’s promises. You always believed that God would do what he said he would do.

The list is endless of the lessons I’ve learned from your life Mommy. I’m so grateful to God for the time that he allowed me to have you in my life. You were my best friend, confidant, counselor, pastor and so much more. Until the day we meet again, I will always miss you.

 Love,
Your baby girl

 P.S. Sometimes when I want to hear your voice I listen to this… It reminds me of the many messages I heard you preach and the many times you prayed for me.

Daily He Provides

“Wouldn’t it be great if we woke up one day to find that all of our debts were paid and we had a daily allowance to live on?” I asked my brother recently.   

I’m reading through the Old Testament and had recently finished reading about Jehoiachin King of Judah who was released from exile after thirty seven years.  I was sharing some of what I had read with one of my brothers.  His answer gave me much to think about.  He replied that in his opinion we already have that on any given day.   

Our needs are met but we decide that we “need” more.  We have food in the cupboard but it isn’t what we want to eat so we say we have no food.  We have clothes to wear, a car to drive and a home to live in but sometimes our eyes are on “something better.”  It isn’t enough for us that we have sufficient to survive on a daily basis because often our eyes are on having a little more. 

As I later reflected on what he said I once again read the verses related to Jehoiachin’s release from exile. 

 29 So Jehoiachin put aside his prison clothes and for the rest of his life ate regularly at the king’s table. 30 Day by day the king gave Jehoiachin a regular allowance as long as he lived. 2 Kings 25:29-30

 It didn’t say that Jehoiachin lived extravagantly, or that the King gave him a huge sum of money.  In fact his lifestyle then probably couldn’t even compare to when he himself was king.  What the scripture said was that he had food to eat and a regular allowance for as long as he lived.  I’m sure Jehoiachin was grateful that he was no longer in exile and that God provided for him on a daily basis.  I hope if for one moment he forgot his time in exile or felt ungrateful he had someone who reminded him of God’s provision the way my brother did me. 

Father help me to continue to trust you on a daily basis, to not be so concerned about what I consider ‘tomorrow’s needs’ that I don’t take the time to acknowledge and thank you for the fact the each day you provide for me exactly what I need for that day.

Trusting Him,
 ~Bernadine~

This article was inspired by a conversation I had with my brother Robert.  I shared it at Laced With Grace a while back.  However I thought I'd share it here today in honor of Robert's birthday.

Thinking about you...

Mommy

We never thought we’d be left

With just memories of you

We never dreamt you’d be gone

From our lives so soon.

You always seemed invincible

Like nothing could keep you down.

You were like a spiritual super woman
On the battlefield for your Lord.

You never once got tired.

Of winning the lost for Him.

Your mission, your very life’s work

Was to spread the love of Christ.

You did an excellent job Mommy.

We all knew and felt his love,

Because it was always demonstrated

In your smile, your kisses and your hugs.

Your heart was as big as the ocean.

Showing love for one and all.

Making us all feel so special

Because you loved us faults and all.

We can’t believe we’ll never get

Another hug here on this side

But Mommy, rest assured we’ll see you again

Because we have Jesus on the inside.

We love you and miss you Mommy,
 six years after goodbye,
I'm still,

Your baby girl

Coffee With God

(Inspired by my goddaughter Lashaunna)

Last year my goddaughter Lashaunna started first grade at the school where I teach. From her very first day she started the tradition of stopping by my class in the evenings before her mother picks her up. Every evening she greets me with a sweet “hi Goddie Bernie,” and a big hug, then after a short conversation runs off happily to wait for her mother.

Lashaunna in her beautiful church dress

Some days when Shaunna comes I’m busy with a parent or colleague so she’ll stand quietly waiting for me to notice her then if I take too long she slips out because she knows her mother is waiting. However, after a few times I noticed her disappointment so I decided that no matter who I’m talking too I’d just excuse myself for a moment and give her for a hug. It really doesn’t take but a moment of my time and she leaves happy knowing that I’m not too busy for her.

My beautiful goddaughter and me

Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before. Daniel 6:10

I was thought of Shaunna one day as I was studying the book of Daniel. She shows up everyday although there were days when I was too busy and she left disappointed. Daniel showed up for his set time with God even when it was dangerous for him to do so. He didn’t think, “Oh God will understand if I don’t pray today.” He knew that was the time he had set aside to spend with God and he was determined to keep the appointment no matter what. As I studied I was reminded of my set time with God. I usually get up at about 5:45 a.m. so that by 6 a.m. I can sit with my Bible and cup of coffee and spend some time with God before I start my day. However, there are times when I oversleep, or I’m feeling a bit tired or maybe just plain lazy so I’m not at our meeting place at the appointed time. He reminded me that he’s there every morning at 6 o’ clock waiting for me even on the days when I don’t show at the set time.

Morning Quiet Time

As I sat there I wondered, “God, do you leave disappointed like Shaunna on the days when I don’t give you the time I’m supposed to? Do you linger round when I oversleep hoping I won’t be in too much of a hurry that we can’t have our time together?” I knew the answer without him even saying a word. It made me more determined to keep my time commitment to him. I call my early morning devotion, Coffee with God, and truly it’s the sweetest part of my day and it sets the tone for the rest of my day.

Shaunna's 6th Grade Graduation

Trusting Him,

 ~Bernadine~

I shared this post at Laced With Grace in 2007.  However I thought I'd share it again in honor of my beautiful goddaughter Lashaunna's sixth grade graduation.  I'm going to miss her sweet smiling face popping into my classroom just to give me a hug. Also, I'm going miss to the laugh I got out of seeing her seeing her mom or big sister many evenings having to visit some of the classrooms and places my social little (not so little anymore) goddaughter just had to stop off to before going to wait to be picked up.

Thanks for the Memories

photo credit: Photobucket

Dear God,

Every single day of my life you give me a reason to give thanks.  Sometimes it’s easy to thank you when it’s something tangible or visible to the eye. 

Likewise Lord, it’s easy to become ungrateful when I can’t touch or see the things you do for me on a daily basis.  However, Father I’m learning more and more every day that there is just so much more to you than what my eyes can see and what my hands can touch.

Today Father, as I sat memories ran through my mind of family, friends, love, laughter and happy times.  The memories brought a smile to my face and the thought to my mind that memories are a precious blessing, something for which I should thank my father up above.

So today Lord I want to say, thank you for the memories. 

Thank you for memories from childhood that still bring a nostalgic smile to my face.

Thank you for memories of family who inspire me to always give you praise.

Thank you for memories of friends who encourage me along the way
.

Thank you Lord for the memories of those who have gone on and those present still.  I consider them all to be blessings in my life.

Lord again I say, thank you for memories.

Love,

Your daughter,

~Bernadine~

My Prized Possession

I’ve tried to replace it because really it’s quite battered, torn and in some places quite worn out but, I’m too attached to it. 

It was a gift from my brother Enoch almost twenty years ago.

Many of Its pages are decorated like a Christmas tree from when I was going through my highlighter phase.

I’ve lost a part of a page here and there and I always hope I’m not called to read those particular pages in church.

All of my favorite scriptures are underlined with little cryptic notes written next to them.

 It has faint tearstains where I cried as I read

Looking at the back you’d think it was something to be thrown away but it’s not…

It’s my most treasured possession… my Bible.

I’ve bought several new ones over the years but they remain just that… new.

I use them for a little while and then I miss my old friend so it’s back to its old familiar pages again.

Since I cannot force myself to replace it I keep it in a case which is in itself in need of replacing.

My bible tells my story.

It chronicles my Christian journey.

It comforts, motivates and inspires me.

It feeds my Spirit.

It gives me hope...

I know I’ll eventually have to replace it but not right now.  At this moment, like my heavenly father, it signifies something that is constant and unchanging in my life.

 I don’t know about you but there are times when I need to know that as life, people, situations and things change some things remain the same.

I’d love to hear the story of your Bible if you’d care to share.

Trusting Him,

 ~Bernadine~

Trusting... in spite of

“Perhaps you don’t have enough faith…

Maybe you just didn’t fast and pray enough for your loved one to be healed…

Maybe you’re just not Christian enough…

Father,

I’ve heard them all before. I’ve thought them all maybe I’ve even said them. I’ve wondered, how is it that one can love you wholeheartedly, serve you faithfully and yet sometimes feel so disappointed in situations, in life, and sometimes Lord (though I hesitate to admit it) in you.

You are who I trust most but understand least.

It is you I love with my whole heart yet oftentimes question.

You are the one sure thing in my life yet some days I feel so uncertain.

Today more than anything I’m still wondering why. Five years later, I still don’t understand. I know there are some things I’ll never understand here on Earth. Like John the Baptist who wondered, “are you the Christ or should I look for another,” but received no definite answer, I’ll probably always wonder, “why after unceasing prayers, consistent fasting, and unwavering faith was I left with a gigantic hole in my heart and more questions than answers…

But today father I surrender all to you

in spite of the questions…

in spite of the uncertainties…

I still love you…

I still trust you….

I still choose you…

Love,

Your daughter,
Bernadine

I miss you Mommy.

I hope when I’m old and full of years

 like Job, and God calls me home

you’ll be standing next to Jesus,

with arms wide open

and with your trademark smile

 waiting to welcome me. 

I promise, you'll be the second  person

I wrap my arms around.

Super-Great... (Inspiration for the New Year)



My bro and I when we were teenagers

I had a lot of thoughts swirling through my head for a New Years Eve post, however nothing seem to fit. Then for some reason today as I went about my household chores the words super-great popped into my mind. They brought a big smile to my face because those words are associated with someone near and dear to me, my youngest brother Enoch, who is a few years older than I am.


Whenever you ask Enoch how he’s doing his answer is almost always the same, said with a big grin, “I’m doing super-great, how are you?” And then there are the days when he’s doing super, super great. Why do these words make me smile? Well my brother has not had an easy life.


About fifteen or sixteen years ago for no apparent reason Enoch suddenly began losing his vision. This continued gradually until he went completely blind. The doctors had no idea why it happened so therefore they could not really treat what they did not know. So my family did the only thing we could do, we prayed, we trusted God we believed that he would be alright and so did he.  My brother was a fairly new Christian at the time but never once did I hear him blame God or see him sink into depression. He had faith that everything would be alright and even in his blindness when someone asked him, “Enoch, how are you doing?” He answered, with a big grin “super-great.”


Then there was the time about ten years ago where Enoch suddenly became seriously ill and was in the hospital for several weeks. There was again uncertainty as to what was wrong with him and I remember being very afraid that I would lose my brother. Memories of us shooting marbles, him teaching me to ride a bike, trying to teach me to climb a tree (no success there) and him talking me into cutting my dolls’ hair not once but twice promising that it would grow back (I was pretty gullible) played like a video tape in my mind during those endless weeks.
However, when I would talk to him and ask him how he was doing even in his illness his answer was always, super-great.

As I think about the New Year, I want my brother’s outlook to become my own. I want to speak confidently that everything is super-great even if at that moment it isn’t. I want to choose happiness, to focus more on the good, to give thanks in all things.

I want to face whatever challenges come my way in the New Year the way my brother has face those that came his way over the years.He has faced blindness with grace and courage and his vision returned months later just as mysteriously as it left.

He has faced illnesses, being in the hospital several times, having to leave his job because of being ill but never let it control his life. I am sure there were many times he had questions, he probably wondered why, but he never let it determine his attitude. He always spoke in faith that even if it wasn’t at the moment, everything would be super-great.

My brother is my inspiration. He is an example of one who chooses positivity, happiness and faith daily.

Meet my inspiration going into 2011,
my brother Elder Enoch McIntosh

 He sees better than I do since I wear glasses and he doesn’t :).

He is healthy and well.

He has been, working full time again for several years.

He’s a husband,

A father,

An elder in his church

A child of God


And as always he is super-great.


This is a mere fraction of my brother's story but I'm sure you get the idea why I think he's such an inspiration.

Trusting Him,
~Bernadine~